On a warm and sunny Saturday afternoon, Adam and Jeanette are on their way to a family gathering. Jeanette’s grandmother is being honoured at a celebration for her 90th birthday. The journey takes them through farm country and to the district both called home as children. Memories of bumpy rides in yellow school buses, crisscrossing the area over grid roads, picking up and dropping off their classmates every fall, winter, and spring for 12 years until leaving for the city after graduation. Adam and Jeanette have known each other most of their lives and have been married for two years.
Traveling over the crest of a ridge of hills the couple looks out over a wide valley at an iconic prairie scene. A bright yellow carpet of canola stretches for miles in all directions as they head down toward the broad fertile valley floor.
This scene evokes memories of happy times for Adam when, as a child, he would ride in the sprayer with his father, listening to music and talking about everything under the sun. These were good times, formative times and he still enjoyed a warm relationship with both of his parents. They would be there at the celebration and he was looking forward to seeing them even though he would be staying with Jeanette’s family this visit. He talked to his parents over the phone every week or so but didn’t see them as much as he would have liked. They had busy lives farming and his and Jeanette’s life in the city seemed to always take up all available time. But the sense of belonging and family endured, and Adam mused as the kilometres passed by that he was happy. He felt grateful.
But even though they were both witnessing the same scene, they were not having the same experience and things were different for Jeanette. Her father’s brother, her uncle, had died suddenly five years ago this July. Jeanette did not feel that her father had ever really regained his confident, carefree and loving nature. No one doubted that he loved and remained devoted to his family, but Jeanette felt that he did not seem as fully present as he once did, as though a part of him had left with her uncle Richard. This worried Jeanette and saddened her. She wondered if her mother felt it too, or if he had returned to her. She doubted that and it made her feel alone.
Both Jeanette and Adam saw the same brilliant yellow and green however, each had a different point of view through the lens of their own experience.
We may be exposed to the same things, but we are not all having the same experience.
If Adam and Jeanette are good communicators, they will share how they are feeling and why as they begin to close in on Jeanette’s family home. If not, there is a risk that Jeanette may seem distant and moody while Adam may come across as insensitive. Yet neither will be aware of the other’s experience. Each may see the difference between their state and that of their partner as a lack of connection or commitment. They may remember other occasions when they felt a similar distance. And slowly, as each develops an explanation as to why this happens a narrative may begin to evolve. What began as a simple failure to communicate their own experience takes on meanings that them apart.
We all view the world from our unique point of view, through the lens of our own experience and this contributes to our uniqueness as individuals. However, here are some points to ponder:
- Being exposed to the same thing does not mean we will have the same experience.
- Being curious about another’s experience and checking in goes a long way toward connection.
- Relationships are worth it. Communication, being present to others’ experience, and avoiding assumptions goes a long way toward relational fulfilment.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
