A parent’s relationship with their teenage child is one of the most essential factors in providing needed support and keeping them safe as they negotiate the journey to adulthood. By understanding the role time has in communication and the different ways it can be perceived, a parent can use time to reduce the likelihood of conflict.
A parent walks in the door of their home after a long hard day at work. They are tired, preoccupied with a day that had not gone as well as they had hoped, and they need some time to wind down and regroup. Immediately they are met with what is presented as a very urgent situation. Their teenage child is asking to be allowed to skateboard that evening; they need twenty dollars and a ride to the skate park. They have promised their friends an answer by 6:00 pm, which is in 10 minutes. Implicit in the request is an insinuation that if the parent does not immediately respond to the request and in the affirmative, they will be responsible for ruining their child’s reputation, their future skateboarding career, and possibly their whole life. What should the parent do?
TAKE CONTROL OF TIME
In this scenario, one can see two key variables 1. The request itself, and 2. The time frame being set for addressing the request. If the parent separates the two variables and addresses them individually, things will go better. The parent is tired and without much capacity to reasonably consider their child’s request immediately upon arriving home. When under stress and faced with a scenario as described, most people will feel irritated and want to quash the new stressor. In other words, “the answer is no.” And while this may provide temporary relief for the parent, the child and the parent-and-child relationship may needlessly suffer. Further, it may be a poor decision since it was not made with the thought required.
One approach would be addressing the time frame first to relieve some pressure. For example, the parent could respond, “I am happy to discuss this with you in twenty minutes after I get out of my work clothes and freshen up a bit.” If there is an objection to this, a simple response is to say, “I can give you a no right now if you like, but in twenty minutes, we may be able to get to a yes but no guarantee. Your choice.” This usually helps to quiet things down.
During the twenty minutes the parent has given themselves to think about an answer, a good question is, “why do I care about this?” or alternatively, “what is my interest in this?” Is it okay that the teenager wants to go skateboarding with friends? Perhaps the parent knows the friends as good kids, and the activity is great exercise. All good so far. What would be the concerns? Likely it would be important that homework was under control and that everyone was in bed early enough to be able to have a good day at school the next day.
So, the parent has had time to understand how they feel about the request and their interests. It is impossible to arrive at this place under pressure and when tired and stressed. It is only by taking control of time that you can get there.
The parent meets with their child and says, “I am happy to drive you to the skate park, but I have two interests, 1. Have you done your homework? 2. What time are you wanting to be picked up?” The youth says, “Yes, I finished my homework after school and would like to be picked up at 9:30.” That’s a deal!
By simply taking control of time, the parent avoided a conflict-filled evening, role-modeled healthy decision-making, and supported their child. Time is something we all have control of, and if used consciously, it can be an excellent tool for creating healthy relationships.
